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[ Jean does look awkward and sad, which makes Marco look worried. He steps a little closer, concern writ large across his face. ]

Anytime. You'd do the same.

[ He sticks his hands into his pockets. ]

So... what'd you need to talk about?

[The worried look on Marco's face makes Jean freeze a little bit. What if this wasn't a good idea, after all? He could still probably come up with something else that was bothering him.

No. He should just get over with, since he has a chance to do it. Not all people have.

But why the hell is saying 'I'm sorry' out loud so hard. Jean holds his right wrist with his left hand. A nervous habit.]

I needed to tell you... that I'm sorry.

[Jean doesn't wait for Marco to ask 'why', instead he continues.]

I'm sorry I wasn't able to make sure you stayed alive. That you had to go through what you went through. I didn't... I didn't even come looking for you, even if I didn't see you around. Maybe if I'd actually worried about you earlier, you'd still...

Jean...

[ Marco curls his right hand - the one he'd lost to the Titan back home - when Jean apologizes. He feels his words get stuck in his throat as he listens to Jean, to the grief in his voice and the way he holds onto his other hand.

Marco swallows and then steps forward, wrapping his arms around Jean tightly. He squeezes him with all the strength he can manage - more than he used to be able to - and shakes his head. ]

I can accept it if you want, but there's no reason for you to apologize. What happened -

[ His voice catches, and he sniffs a little. ]

I was the one who stepped out to talk to Reiner and Bertholdt. I was the one who got myself killed instead of keeping quiet.

[Initially, Jean freezes when Marco hugs him. Honestly, he wanted to get through this without tearing up, but it was a mission impossible. Marco just broke the dam, making tears appear in the corner of his eyes.]

But... if I'd looked for you, I might have reached you in time... maybe you wouldn't have overheard them or- I could have killed the titan before it reached you...

[These are things he plays in his mind often. Scenarios of saving him. Somehow. Living in a 'What if' mindset. It was tiring.

Perhaps, in a way, he just needs to get all of them struck down. Accept that there was nothing he could have done. He couldn't do it on his own, for some reason, even if he knew deep down he wasn't at fault.]

Jean.

[ Marco sighs, sadly. Slowly, he begins to speak. ]

You didn't have enough gas to go jumping around looking for me. You would have died either by falling or getting eaten yourself. If you found me, do you think I would have kept calm enough that they wouldn't have heard us?

[ He shakes his head, continuing to refute Jean. ]

We would have both died. Even if you killed the Titan that attacked me, they would have come after you next.

[ He squeezes Jean. ]

Galliard said Bertholdt and Reiner messed up by talking about their plan out in the open. It was just... a bunch of mistakes that ended up in my death. I'm glad that you weren't a part of it.

[Jean wants to argue back. Insist there might have been a way. But the more Marco talks, the more the reality of the situation starts sinking in.

He's refuted himself countless times. He's talked about it with Mikasa. Yet the intrusive thought of 'my fault' remained. What he really needed was for Marco himself to tell him how things were. To tell him there really wasn't anything he could have done. It was working, his will to argue back leaving, and he leans on Marco, putting his head on his shoulder.

It doesn't stop him from crying. He's noticed he cries a lot more now that Marco was here. It's like he was crying for all the years he couldn't and wouldn't.]

A part of me did die when you did...

[Marco was a big part of his life, after all. A friend he had needed when he didn't have anyone else. Someone who tolerated him when he was being an asshole.]

I spent a while... wishing it was you who survived, instead of me. Since you were a lot better person than I was.

[He takes a deeper, even if shaky breath.]

But I know you would have punched me if I kept wishing that, so I... carried on.

Edited (html is a jerk) 2024-01-05 02:15 (UTC)

I know... I'm sorry.

[ He's sorry he took that part of Jean with him when he died, even though he couldn't stop it. He would have lost something if the situation had been reversed. He shifts, reaching a hand up to cup the back of Jean's head, letting his fingers stroke through short hair in an effort to comfort him. ]

I think ... that's natural. My mother was sad after my father passed away. I'm sure she wished the same thing.

[ He doesn't mean to compare them to a married couple, it's just his first example. He does laugh gently, though. His own eyes are wet with unshed tears. ]

But you're right - I would have punched you. You made more friends after me, which is a good thing. You grew up - into someone you should be proud of. Mikasa sees it too.

[It doesn't really occur that he did the comparison. Or maybe he realized, but doesn't have the strength to really get flustered about it. Either way, he just sighs, feeling comforted by the hand in his hair.]

I'm trying to accept that. I really am. I want to stop constantly feeling like I'm not enough as I am, when I'm actually more than that.

[He laughs too, a little.]

Not that I want to go back to being as cocky as I was in training.

Could use some of that confidence you had back then, though.

[ Marco means it genuinely. Jean is smart, clever, fast; maybe not the strongest but an untrained human would have a hard time with him, too. ]

Even if you weren't strong or fast... you're enough just being you, you know? But compare what you were like in training to how strong you are now. I'll be the first to tell you that you've grown.

[Jean's managed to calm down. He's still teary-eyed, but not really crying, at least. Instead, he's blushing. A little bit.]

I know I am. It's just the confidence I'm lacking, for now.

[Blame it on the dying and other trauma. But he's started his healing process now, at least.

But, he does need to say something regarding the original topic, still.]

... thank you, Marco. I'm sorry for bringing this topic up again, but... I really needed this conversation to happen.

[ Marco gives Jean a soft smile. After a moment, he reaches out and pats Jean's chest, once. ]

I know I told you I was happy you carried me with you. I still am, for the record.

[ He takes a deep breath. ]

But I'm just a boy, Jean. Carry me with you because we're friends, not because you think you need something to live up to or... to punish yourself.

[Jean looks surprised. It didn't occur to him that he had made Marco into some high figure he needed to live up to. Like he was something he wasn't.

In the end, Marco was his friend. His best friend who he lost too early ... He wasn't a saint or anything like that. Just a normal guy like Jean was.]

Sorry. I know you're just... you. Even if your words helped me change my life around and even if you were the first person to actually believe in me... That doesn't mean I should forget you're just a normal guy like me.

[Not someone he needed to prove his worth to. The only one he needed to prove that to was he himself.

He ends up laughing a little.]

Even if Saint Marco sounds like a really fancy name.

[ Marco beams, laughing a little with Jean. ]

Honestly, I'm not a saint. We've been in trouble together, haven't we? I'm glad that my words helped you, though. I'm glad that more people believe in you too.

[ He removes his hand to place it over his own chest. ]

You taught me being brave isn't about not being afraid. It's about continuing to move on despite that fear and uncertainty.

[The words take Jean by surprise, and he blushes, again, but his face is a little red from crying anyway.]

Is that so? Well, I'm glad I was able to help in return, even if I mostly just didn't wanna die in my own hometown, you know. So I just pressed on.

[Jean is sometimes (or very often) Mr. Bad At Receiving Positive Feedback.]

Jean. You can just say thank you, you know.

[ He rolls his eyes a little as he says it, patting his own chest once before he reaches up to shove Jean, not hard but affectionately. ]

A lot more of us wouldn't have made it out without you.

[Jean huffs a little at the shove, still looking awkward, but at least not trying to deny anything.]

Yeah. I made it my priority after that. Making sure people under my lead would get back alive. Not that I've had to take on leadership roles after that.

Are you saying that just because you don't have a fancy title?

[ Marco asks it honestly. ]

You are kind of bossy.

I'm not!

[Automatic rejection of the thought. But then he looks a bit awkward.]

Or maybe sometimes, I guess...

I bet you if we did a mission you'd be bossy as all get-out.

[ But he doesn't sound like he minds it one bit. ]

I mean, I'm still up for the Hurricane Birds quest if you are. They're still causing problems, so we might as well go help.

[Which would probably lead to him being bossy since he's more familiar with the situation.]

Right! We still need to do that. I've improved my skills a little more, so I think I'm ready to take that on.

[ He beams at Jean. ]

We can settle a time to go after New Years. We need to think about what we wanna bring with us anyway.

[He'll gladly change the subject to focus on mission preparations and such, if Marco is willing to still hang out with him.]

inbox | seasonsrpg

older jean v younger jean

that might end up as a fight on beach

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we can wrapup and let them chatter about the mission if ya want