sunspotted | inbox | seasonsrpg

I know what you mean. It's not as though nothing bad ever happens here, but it's so tame in comparison. I think any one of us would be crazy to want to leave.

Still, it's hard to believe that it's all real. Honestly, it keeps me awake at night sometimes.

If I'm honest with you, Marco, the idea of having to go back home one day...Well, the longer I'm here, the scarier that gets.

[Maybe not something he'd admit to anyone, but he trusts Marco to keep it between them.]

It feels like a dream, sometimes. Then it's hard not to wonder when you'll wake up, and how cruel it will feel to have dreamed of a place like this at all.

[ He's been there, Armin. The other boy is also right; Marco won't mention this to anyone else. ]

When I first arrived here... I knew I wouldn't be able to go back. I was already dead. But I thought, surely my friends that are here will go back eventually. I told Jean I was proud of what he'd done in the Survey Corps.

The more I learn about what happens in our future though, and the more I learn here... I don't want any of you to return, selfishly. It sounds cruel and painful, more than I ever thought it would be. I suppose that's cowardly of me to admit but it's the truth.

Other things, too. Did you know in most other worlds, they don't let people become soldiers until they are at least eighteen?

I didn't even make it to eighteen, Armin.

[Marco's words are a knife in Armin's gut "I didn't even make it to eighteen". And there they were, twelve years old, learning how to slay monsters - dying in training, even, for some of them.]

Out of all the worlds I've learned about, ours might be the cruelest.

[He considers not continuing after that, but...]

The way things are now...back home, I mean...

It's more terrible than you could possibly imagine, Marco. It's more terrible than any of us could.

[With Eren at the helm. Armin feels sick.]

I honestly don't talk about this with anyone. I can't bear too. All these months, I've tried to forget as best I can, to enjoy my time here, but it's impossible.

I haven't been sleeping. Not really. Even here, it feels like all I'm doing is surviving because I have no choice.

[Once the honesty starts, it doesn't stop, apparently. Armin forces himself to bite his tongue.]

I'm sorry. That's a lot to spring on you without warning.

If it isn't the cruelest, it's still one of the crueler ones.

[ Oh, but this - his sweet friend. Armin was made for knowledge, for taking pictures, for playing in the ocean. He's not someone who should have been made to fight a war, to cut himself into cruel shapes until he could be a better soldier. ]

Armin. You don't have to apologize. You can talk to me about this.

I know Jean doesn't want to know what happens in the future. I do - even if it's terrible and cruel. If that's something I can do here, to help you bear the burden, I want to. Please. Even if it's just listening to you talk about it.

Edited 2023-12-14 20:55 (UTC)

That's kind of you, Marco.

[And of course it is. This is Marco he's talking about. Still, Armin has learned to keep what's inside inside, and only show the outside what's safe to present. He wasn't always this way. He wasn't always such a liar. But he is now. He's had to be. Marco says what he says, and Armin believes that he means it; what he doesn't believe is that Marco realizes what a true monster Armin has become, will always be. He doesn't want Marco to see him that way.]

I wish I didn't have to tell you those terrible, cruel things, Marco. I wish there were only good things to tell you.

You had such high hopes for the future. I think we all failed you.

[ Marco knows that a lot of his friends have changed, and done things they're not proud of. Soon, he'll learn how bad and how far it goes, and Armin will be right; it will be worse than he thought. ]

I can understand that you wish you had better news. I've mentioned before I have to be the one to have hope.

I don't think any of you failed me, because... because I don't think you all should be trying to live up some ideal that I had. I told Jean I was happy he carried my memory with him, and I do mean that... but I'm just me. You don't have to live up to my dreams.

I wanted too, Marco. Because I love you.

We all did. Because we all do.

[ Why does that choke him up so much? He knows they all love him, at the very least platonically. If they didn't, they wouldn't still be carrying him this many years later.

It still feels nice to hear, though. ]

I love you too. All of you.

I suppose it'd be cruel of me to tell you not to if it's what you want... but please don't feel guilt if you don't live up to it.

I have a lot of guilt, Marco. For a lot of things.

[It's unbelievable. It's unbearable. It's all-consuming.]

Whether I can forgive myself for any of it, I don't know, but...

I won't put that on you. I'll try.

I'm just so happy that you're back. That's what I should focus on.

You know... I haven't forgiven Reiner. I don't think I ever will. But I've accepted him as he is, and I care about him all the same.

Do you think you could try to do that? Don't put forgiveness on yourself. Just try to accept who you are.

Edited 2023-12-16 05:04 (UTC)

[Marco's always had a way with words. So has Armin, but his have so often been words of manipulation at worst, cold strategy at best. Marco's are words of inspiration. Of course he hasn't forgiven Reiner. Armin feels as though he has, but...maybe that's just acceptance in the end too.]

You make a lot of sense.

[The difference being, of course, that Armin doesn't care about himself at all, really. He's far too busy caring about everyone - and anyone - else.]

I'll try. Truly, I will.

Thank you, Marco.

You're welcome, Armin.

Now! The next time we talk it'll be about something more fun - like flowers and swords, okay?

Agreed. :)

I look forward to it.

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me: HE SAID HE LOVES HIIIM

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