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I have been told that before. Just don't tell Jean, he already calls it me pretending to be a know-it-all.

I'd love that, thank you. Do you need any assistance with anything? I doubt I'm any good with a camera, but maybe looking for locations, or props...?

I hadn't even considered props. Do you have any ideas in mind? That could definitely make things more interesting.

Hmm, flowers are always a good choice, for people to be holding? But some people might object - oh! Jean has a lot of weapons at his place, you could always have people pose with those.

[He likes the idea of flowers more than the idea of weapons, really, but Marco is probably right in assuming that the others would favor the latter. It's just what they're used to.]

I wonder if a combination of both could be interesting...

[Getting a bit artsy here.]

Ooh, it could be. You could also pin corsages or something so people don't necessarily have to hold them if you're combining them.

Given we all were given flower charms when we arrived too... that would give you a lot of ideas to work with.

You're right, it would.

Forgive me for going a bit poetic on you, but something about the juxtaposition between weapons and flowers just seems...somewhat profound, somehow. Don't you think?

[He feels a bit embarrassed saying so, but he trusts Marco. Maybe Armin was meant to be an artist all along with a mind like that. He wouldn't necessarily say so, though. He doesn't feel he's quite earned that yet.]

No need for forgiveness, I agree. I'm not much of an eye for art, but I think it suits many of our friends. We fight because we must, of course. Seeing people like Jean and Mikasa, when they're happy at home... it makes it clear that we weren't always meant for such things, though.

I don't think any of us were meant for what we were put through, no.

If you ask me, people are meant to dream and laugh - tell stories, break bread, coexist.

At least, in an idealistic world, it would be that way. We just weren't given much opportunity to consider it back home. That's all.

Do you ever think about it? What you would have done if you hadn't joined the Scouts? Or rather - what you would have done in that idealistic world, where we didn't have to fight.

You know, I've been asked that question a couple of times now, actually...

Back when I was still a kid, I probably did think about that sort of stuff. But it's been so long now, that I really hadn't in a long time...

After I got here though, suddenly I had time for hobbies and interests - a job that wasn't being a soldier. It was strange...It still is.

That's why I picked up photography in the first place. I needed at least one thing I could do that would just be mine, you know? Something simple. Something that doesn't hurt anyone.

[ Marco reads over the text with a fond but sad expression. He supposes that makes sense, not thinking about a mythical ideal future, but it's still heartbreaking to some degree to hear about. ]

Then I suppose we'll just have to keep encouraging that photography interest!

I know it sounds quaint, but I think it's a good thing, here, that we get a chance to dream of better possibilities. I realize I'm just repeating myself a bit but - well, it's nice.

There were things I didn't realize were so bad, back home, that I'm starting to realize now, I suppose.

I know what you mean. It's not as though nothing bad ever happens here, but it's so tame in comparison. I think any one of us would be crazy to want to leave.

Still, it's hard to believe that it's all real. Honestly, it keeps me awake at night sometimes.

If I'm honest with you, Marco, the idea of having to go back home one day...Well, the longer I'm here, the scarier that gets.

[Maybe not something he'd admit to anyone, but he trusts Marco to keep it between them.]

It feels like a dream, sometimes. Then it's hard not to wonder when you'll wake up, and how cruel it will feel to have dreamed of a place like this at all.

[ He's been there, Armin. The other boy is also right; Marco won't mention this to anyone else. ]

When I first arrived here... I knew I wouldn't be able to go back. I was already dead. But I thought, surely my friends that are here will go back eventually. I told Jean I was proud of what he'd done in the Survey Corps.

The more I learn about what happens in our future though, and the more I learn here... I don't want any of you to return, selfishly. It sounds cruel and painful, more than I ever thought it would be. I suppose that's cowardly of me to admit but it's the truth.

Other things, too. Did you know in most other worlds, they don't let people become soldiers until they are at least eighteen?

I didn't even make it to eighteen, Armin.

[Marco's words are a knife in Armin's gut "I didn't even make it to eighteen". And there they were, twelve years old, learning how to slay monsters - dying in training, even, for some of them.]

Out of all the worlds I've learned about, ours might be the cruelest.

[He considers not continuing after that, but...]

The way things are now...back home, I mean...

It's more terrible than you could possibly imagine, Marco. It's more terrible than any of us could.

[With Eren at the helm. Armin feels sick.]

I honestly don't talk about this with anyone. I can't bear too. All these months, I've tried to forget as best I can, to enjoy my time here, but it's impossible.

I haven't been sleeping. Not really. Even here, it feels like all I'm doing is surviving because I have no choice.

[Once the honesty starts, it doesn't stop, apparently. Armin forces himself to bite his tongue.]

I'm sorry. That's a lot to spring on you without warning.

If it isn't the cruelest, it's still one of the crueler ones.

[ Oh, but this - his sweet friend. Armin was made for knowledge, for taking pictures, for playing in the ocean. He's not someone who should have been made to fight a war, to cut himself into cruel shapes until he could be a better soldier. ]

Armin. You don't have to apologize. You can talk to me about this.

I know Jean doesn't want to know what happens in the future. I do - even if it's terrible and cruel. If that's something I can do here, to help you bear the burden, I want to. Please. Even if it's just listening to you talk about it.

Edited 2023-12-14 20:55 (UTC)

That's kind of you, Marco.

[And of course it is. This is Marco he's talking about. Still, Armin has learned to keep what's inside inside, and only show the outside what's safe to present. He wasn't always this way. He wasn't always such a liar. But he is now. He's had to be. Marco says what he says, and Armin believes that he means it; what he doesn't believe is that Marco realizes what a true monster Armin has become, will always be. He doesn't want Marco to see him that way.]

I wish I didn't have to tell you those terrible, cruel things, Marco. I wish there were only good things to tell you.

You had such high hopes for the future. I think we all failed you.

[ Marco knows that a lot of his friends have changed, and done things they're not proud of. Soon, he'll learn how bad and how far it goes, and Armin will be right; it will be worse than he thought. ]

I can understand that you wish you had better news. I've mentioned before I have to be the one to have hope.

I don't think any of you failed me, because... because I don't think you all should be trying to live up some ideal that I had. I told Jean I was happy he carried my memory with him, and I do mean that... but I'm just me. You don't have to live up to my dreams.

I wanted too, Marco. Because I love you.

We all did. Because we all do.

[ Why does that choke him up so much? He knows they all love him, at the very least platonically. If they didn't, they wouldn't still be carrying him this many years later.

It still feels nice to hear, though. ]

I love you too. All of you.

I suppose it'd be cruel of me to tell you not to if it's what you want... but please don't feel guilt if you don't live up to it.

I have a lot of guilt, Marco. For a lot of things.

[It's unbelievable. It's unbearable. It's all-consuming.]

Whether I can forgive myself for any of it, I don't know, but...

I won't put that on you. I'll try.

I'm just so happy that you're back. That's what I should focus on.

You know... I haven't forgiven Reiner. I don't think I ever will. But I've accepted him as he is, and I care about him all the same.

Do you think you could try to do that? Don't put forgiveness on yourself. Just try to accept who you are.

Edited 2023-12-16 05:04 (UTC)

[Marco's always had a way with words. So has Armin, but his have so often been words of manipulation at worst, cold strategy at best. Marco's are words of inspiration. Of course he hasn't forgiven Reiner. Armin feels as though he has, but...maybe that's just acceptance in the end too.]

You make a lot of sense.

[The difference being, of course, that Armin doesn't care about himself at all, really. He's far too busy caring about everyone - and anyone - else.]

I'll try. Truly, I will.

Thank you, Marco.

You're welcome, Armin.

Now! The next time we talk it'll be about something more fun - like flowers and swords, okay?

Agreed. :)

I look forward to it.

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me: HE SAID HE LOVES HIIIM

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